Stephen Ryan

You can't beat a bit of Bowie

He says.....

Technical attributes

Corners 8

Crossing 6

Diving 13

Dribbling (football) 4

Dribbling (saliva) 12

Finishing (breakfast)18

Finishing (shooting) 5

First touch 7

(Second touch) 6

(Third touch) 14

(Fourth+ touch) 2

Free kicks 9

Heading 1

Long shots 7

Long throws 2

Long showers 19

Marking 4

Mincing 17

Passing 3

(to opponents)23

Penalty taking 15

Tackling -8

Technique N/A

Mental attributes

Anticipation 18

Anticipation (not

including of failure)3

Bravery 2

Composure?

Creativity0

Cringing 12

Decisions3

(joined FCTR)

Despairing17

Off the ball11

On the ball5

Far from the ba 18

Chasing the ball12

Positioning∞

Shirking 20

Work Ratelol

Physical attributes

Acceleration 6

Agility ½

Limping 15

Natural fitness*

Pace 5

Pointing 16

Spitting 19

Strength ¼

Other

Agonising 19

Celebrations 0

Key

* = Attribute unmeasurable

The lads say.....

Jeremy Vine-a-like, Stephen is an NHS Management Trainee and sees Tilburg as very much just the start of what promises to be a life full of disappointment, under-appreciation and talent shortages. Just like Vine, when opponents are there for the tackling, Stephen side-steps and asks them a question about their loving family....

With a mere 23 years on the planet, Stephen is the youngest of the new recruits in 07-08. He has the doe-eyed naivety and optimism of a Latvian nanny out on her first date with Mikey and this is never more evident than when he expects Scotty to complete a simple 5 yard lateral pass. Cranberry juice drinking, charming and educated, Stephen is a lot like Kong....

Stephen is from Manchester and has overcome any homesickness by living above a filthy crack-house in a bedsit-come-brothel on Rupert Street. Stephen's idol is Rio 'World Cup Wind-Up' Ferdinand and he is currently learning to suck his teeth in his honour.

WARNING: Strained analogy - in addition to pulling the "strings" in midfield, Stephen likes to make sweet music with his guitar. Despite lacking the blatant self-promoting capability of current incumbent Aidan Bell, the fact he has achieved some type of 'grade' in music, more than qualifies Stephen to front the Chocolate Factory.