Mark Beynon

Moaner

He says.....

I am often referred to as "cabeco de halo" (clove of garlic) by my team-mates and countless plaudits. I perform the task of protecting our defence with verve, tenacity and more than just a stroke of technical ability. I pride myself on not letting opponents beat me, thanks to my god-given ability to make faultless sliding tackle after faultless sliding tackle. One commentator compared this divine talent with Pele during his halcyon years at Santos.

My team mates compare me to the one and only Francis Benali, not so much due to my playing style, but my unswerving loyalty to the rest of the team.

The lads say.....

Garrulous Mark was voted "player most prone to throwing teddy about" in this years PFA annual dinner. Holds world record for dummy-spitting (133ft). Has unfortunate tendency to slide alongside a player for several hours without winning the ball. Looks like David Baddiel.

Is mates with John Heffernan, with whom he has forged a truly deadly attacking alliance on the field