Stew Todd

I've got, I've got it...........oh..

He says.....

Following in the footsteps of many of my countrymen, I bring to Tilburg a tactical acumen inherent to all Scots like Shankly, Busby and Ferguson. However, this seems to be lost on my willing charges who now start every second half as though they have been lulled to sleep by one of Craig Brown's half-time missives on the fact we would be ahead if the game were decided on the number of throw-ins we have won.

Distracted perhaps by my gentle rolling celtic lilt, I am confident that with some elocution lessons, I can get across my dream of total football and a side where Mikey and Greg effortless glide into other positions on the park or even the bench to make FCTR the new Ajax of our generation and of the Middlesex league.

My single-minded determination to keep Scottish traditions alive has seen me play in positions forever associated with the magic of the dark blue jersey and lion rampant. Not perhaps the wing play of Jim Baxter or forward play of Kenny Dalglish, but now as I enter my footballing prime, when I don the gloves it has lead observers to remark on the similarity to Scottish goalkeeping legend Frank Haffey. For it was he in May 1961 who was solely responsible for letting in the softest goals ever seen at Wembley as England humped us 9-3 and was promptly transferred from Scotland to a life in Australia never to be seen again. In this cynical, manipulative world, traditions mean a lot - and this season I have tried to keep that flame alive with some right hoaching goalkeeping.”

The lads say.....

Stewart’s primary quality is to get involved with possession. He will search out the ball and distribute. A kind of Scottish Ossie Ardiles, but on the wing.

He does this better than he tackles. For all his immense huff and puff as a player/manager/media type, Stew could be outfought by an Easter bunny.

Please don’t mention pace or tricks. These are strictly for fannies, in Stew’s opinion.