Damian O'Boyle

"Striker"

He says.....

Poor man's Emile Heskey.

The lads say.....

With his long, gangly, beanpole, freakish, Monty Don-like appearance, you would think he could barely hold himself upright, let alone wander all over the pitch. If it wasn't for the canoe sized feet and the end of his pipe cleaner legs, he could be mistaken for a young sapling, planted as part of a re-forestation project.

He has the pace of a crippled crab with a crutch, and the first touch of a brick wall, and is therefore as worrying in attack as Stephen Hawkins would be in a 100 metre race against Road Runner.

His talents (well his height) are best utilised putting up and taking down the goal nets and not much else, except perhaps rescuing cats from up trees during fire strikes. It is truly a wonder as to why this genetic mishap wasn't shot at birth, or at least sent away to the circus to be known as 'The Magnificent Giraffe Boy', and gawped at by the paying public.

An abomination of the human race, he is as much use on the pitch as a pineapple jelly, and should forever be ridiculed for the mutant monster he is.