John Heffernan

HIgh-fives point blank misses

He says.....

Season 2004-05 has been a write-off for this founder member of FCTR and scorer of Tilburg’s most famous goal. A major knee injury at the end of 03-04 and a broken finger at the start of 04-05, has seen John struggle to regain goalkeeping fitness and form (with the custodian’s role taken by the fellow member of the Goal Keeper’s Union, Stewart Todd). It remains to be seen whether this is the end for one of the finest footballers never to have graced the semi-professional stage. On a bright note, the last game of 2004-05 saw the Gaffer finally experiment with the B&H&D (Beynon and Heffernan and Dough in the hole) strike partnership, with outstanding consequences (the team won 2-0 in the 20 minutes they were up front).

John says:

"Yashin. Banks. Zoff. Kahn. Heffernan.

Heffernan:

The Rock to which Tilburg clings in stormy waters.

The Wall, through which no opponent may pass.

The Leader of men, like Wellington at Waterloo, bestriding the playing fields of Wandsworth.

The Artist, with Picasso's eye for the curve of the ball.

Das Boot Kommander, diving at the first sign of trouble.

The Poet, with a bon mot and turn of phrase for every set piece.

The Bow, drawing sweet melodies from the back four, like the strings of a viola.

The Lover, in to who's arms, the ball rushes, flushed with desire.

The Sharp-eyed hawk, ready to pounce at the feet of the unsuspecting forward.

The Magician, enchanting the ball to safety.

Heffernan. Tilburg's No. 1."

The lads say.....

(1). "Yashin, Banks, Zoff, Khan, Heffernan.

These men all have one thing in common. They're all past their prime, slow, immobile and often seen leering over young ladies in a drunken haze.

(2). Seaman. Rough. Leighton. Lukic. Heffernan.

The anvil to which Tilburg clings in stormy waters.

The gaping hole through which all opponents may pass.

The Leader of men, like Ian Duncan Smith at PMQs, hiding in the playing fields of Wandsworth.

The Artist, with Tracy Emin's eye for the curve of the ball.

The Italian army commander, running at the first sign of trouble.

The Tourette's sufferer, with a f**k and b******s for every set piece.

The Bow, firing poisonous barbs at the back four (whose fault it always is), like a taller version of Ian Hislop.

The child-molester, away from whose arms the ball rushes, flushed with panic.

The myopic beetle, ready to be crushed at the feet of the unsuspecting forward.

The Magician (Paul Daniels - "you'll like this, but not a lot"), enchanting the ball into the back of the net.

Heffernan. Tilburg's No. 1."

(3). As many Scots of my age will agree, our first memories of Scotland's heroic globe trotting footballers come from the Argentina World Cup 1978. In this impoverished time for Scottish football, my mind often trips back to those halcyon days of Dalglish, Gemmil and Souness.

However, they are not the images that stayed with me, instead I was always drawn to the man known as "Roughie". Portly of girth, it was the responsibility of Alan Rough to defend Scotland's goal from scavengers and thieves from such mighty footballing powers like Iran and Peru. However it was his incredible perm that lingers in my memory - tight of curl and impressively voluble in the bounce, Roughie was sure to catch the lenses of Vogue in his just too tight yellow top, pale, near see-through complexion and impressive thatch as he was to catch a striker's shot or the back page of the Daily Record.

Memories need to be kept on, and in Tilburg original and only Number 1 we have a man who is equal to all that Roughie set down in his hand-book to excellent keeping - "Football, goalkeeping and gravity - the evil trinity".

Johnny has taken his Argentina '78 uber-keeper look and given it a place in the empty soulless world of 21st century football. But not only, that, Johnny adopted many of the Rough's top goal keeping tips. In Scotland 4-1 banjoing at the hands of Brazil in 1982, Roughie had no truck in throwing himself uselessly after one of Zico's free kicks. The damage had been done, the defence had been breached - what would one expect him to do? And worse, he may graze a knee, hurt his pinky, catch the ball square in his Crowded House. These are warnings our Johnny has headed like looking both ways before crossing the road.

Its not just there where Johnny has kept this Corinthian spirit of goal-keeping alive. Whilst Scotland were failing valiantly to beat 10-man Uruguay the required 1-0 to progress to the next phase of Mexico 86, Roughie was on the bench musing to a Mexican lovely who was selling the substitute keeper an extra spicy bowl of nachos, that under floodlights, the still hirsute Roughie could easily pass for 28. More than one lady in London and Tilburg and anywhere else he has had to look after Mikey, has heard Johnny suggest that he really looks closer to 25 than to 45.

Johnny must be saluted as a man who upholds the very finest standards both sartorially and skilfully. A keeper and Tilburger to be treasured.