Aidan Bell

That's not a tan, THIS is a tan

He says.....

'After a hit and miss inaugural season with Tilburg Bell has found his niche in the team. A ball playing midfielder who revels in time and space - a bit like Jan Molby. Sadly he lacks the great Dane's pace over the first five yards.

And in all honesty what have you EVER done?'

The lads say.....

1. 'Never in all my years of playing have I ever seen a lazier working, tackle fearing fairy' Aidan's Dad.

2. At 25 he came back from his parent's house and said "Had great weekend, my dad taught me to head a ball."

3. 'I saw a peanut stand, heard a rubber band,

I saw a needle that winked its eye.

But I think I will have seen everything

When I see an elephant fly'

4. Although born in 1978, saxophone playing, Springsteen fan Aidan Elizabeth Bell is the last bonafide gentleman of the footballing world.A throwback to the Billy Wright era where half-time cigarettes, hand-shake goal celebrations, proud moustachioed, arm-folded team photographs and monstrous side partings were rife; Bell is the Greatest Living Englishman in Tilburg.His passion for the noble things in life, such as mountaineering, gourmet cookery, backgammon and peasant shooting are all much documented. Bell insists on dressing purely in tweed (especially when playing), has an unhealthy addiction to dry martinis, carries a walking stick with metal badges, uses driving gloves, prefers "the older jazz" and is as modern as a wireless. More Basil Rathbone than Noel Coward. Probably a closet homosexual.Insert body text here...