The view from the Managers

'Our ethos is typified by...

'It's shite being Scottish. We're the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth, the most wretched, servile, miserable, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization'

This will be the fifth year of Tilburg football and we have made great strides in that time.

The Tilburg way of football is one that has spread far and wide and I believe it is only a matter of time before it is adopted as the template for a successful team across the globe. It is already being adopted in Scotland to stunning success!

Here is a quick round up of what you need to know to succeed in red, white and blue this year:

What's your strongest position? - It doesn't matter, you wont be played there.

You are a footballer of some repute? - Irrelevant. A combination of Wansdworth in Winter and Matt's training Wandsworth will knock any talent out of you and soon your team mates will see you as an equal - see Andras

You don't drink and prize your fitness and athleticism? - Eh? This is Middlesex Division 3 football on the cow fields of London, no the Champions League. Fitness is no barrier to a place in the starting XI (presuming you can ensure that only eleven players turn up), ask Mikey. But not drinking will limit your chances to shine - Me, Kev, JT, Greg, Rennie, Ronan numerous Australians, people with Irish faithers all play in the tricolores. You want to play? You get to the bar and less of your moaning.

You believe that football is the "beautiful game" - I have news for you. If your idea of beauty is Johan Cryuff then its time to meet Michael Yates. Tricks are pish. Back heels are for people who think touch rugby is a bit rough. Brian Clough didn't become the greatest manager in English football by encouraging people to do backheels. As he once said to Archie Gemmil, when Gemmil asked why he was getting a bollocking and John Robertson wasn't - "He's paid to play football. You're paid to run!" Run boy, Run!

My football is made up of winning the Premiership and the Champions League? - Slow down there boy - we stand for the old ways. We're like the Carlsberg World Cup advert - we believe in a time when it was the European Cup. We believe in foreign match commentary broadcast down the phone line. We believe in Des Lynam hosting Match of the Day, Saint and Greavsie and Panini Stickers. We play Jonny H and Sven combined age of 176. If its old, its gold.

You can't have 100% guarantees in life, let alone football, but 100% effort on the pitch, at the bar, with your swearing and with your banter and one liners will ensure that we have a good season come May.

Hup Tilburg!

Stew