Ian Taylor

He says.....

You b*stard, GK! How could you let me do that! This was the worst weekend of my life. She was singing along to The Smiths.....

The lads say.....

Bridgey is a modern day Lenin, patrolling the left flank for Tilburg ready to repel any right wingers and their sordid Daily Mail/Greens United-inspired views.

However, whilst the political soul of the'burg is safe, the same can not be said for the man himself.

Bridgey has an identity problem that would make Rob jealous. No-one in the Tilburg collective has any idea what his real name is - as newcomers hail his left foot crosses with the cry "Bridge" "Bridgey" "mate" " only a few of us know the horrible truth, "Ian Taylor". Indeed, Bridgey himself has been confused on several occassions, once turning up at an England training camp unannounced threatening to break Wayne Bridges nose, gripping him in a headlock and shouting "YOU are Ian Taylor".

Bridgey often confuses himself with a goalkeeper and can sometimes be found intervening to make saves that McGaffer can only gaze in wonder at - (using your hands? Are you sure?) which would be good if he was not adorning the No 3 shirt at the same time.

But he is revered by his comrades most of all for his useless betting and pulling tips. The man who would be millionaire and owner of Crystal Palace is repeatedly undone by the fact he couldn't pick a whore in a brothel - which is apt - for any women who likes the cut of Bridgey's jib should bare in the mind, that sweet lovin' will only follow if you can promise to play "Some girls are bigger than others" at the same time.

There will be a statue of him in Red Square one of these days...