Bee's match reports

All the reports for the current season - latest first

South Acton 0 - 3 Bees

Remote managerial masterstroke

Saturday 9 February - Match report by Ratty

Things didn't look good going into the game...the inspirational

managerial dream team of O'Boyle & Sellers where nowhere to be seen for

the crucial six-pointer against South Acton and it looked like they were

slowly getting worse when new captain, Michael Yates, starting wrapping

brown parcel tape round his bicep in absence of any skipper's band.

Fortunately morale was given a swift boost when we realised the South

Acton team's average age would have had Bridgey blushing. It got better

when Mikey pointed out they only had 7 players...after other members of

the squad re-counted we realised that it was actually 10, but still,

surely everything was pointing towards a Bees victory...no O'Boyle -

check, no Sellers - check, playing against a team young enough to be

Johnny H's grandchildren - check, numerical advantage - check. Now to

get an early goal before their extra man turned up...

Well not quite. It wasn't quite the electric start that was hoped for

with South Acton looking more assured in possession and Tilburg lacking

a bit of composure. Slowly though the numerical advantage showed. The

main threat came from the Bees right wing, where the South Acton left

back was performing miracles...making Patrick look not only skilful but

quick too! Despite the Bees pressure it was South Acton who came closest

to scoring, a quick counter attack culminating in a shot clipping Joe's

post. After this though, the Bees took control. After Stevie P gave a

nod of his bandana towards the absent O'Boyle by firing over from 2

yards, GK having a hissy fit, a couple of penalty appeals Tilburg made

the break through. GK latched onto a through ball and his attempt to

control the ball resulted in it beating the on-rushing keeper and

nestling in the back of the next.

The second half saw no changes save for South Acton's 11th man turning

up, but amazingly the Bees started playing better than against the ten

men, with all the play in the South Acton half. More chances came and

went before the bright sunshine got the better of Deano who had to come

off and hide in the shade. Matt Wyatt slotted in at left back and it was

back to business. It was from the left that the second goal came. GK was

felled by a particularly strong gust of wind to win a free kick near the

corner flag. Mikey A ,channelling all his verbal energy through his

right foot, whipped in a gem a of dead ball for John Wallace to steal in

at the far post and plant a header past the keeper, 2-0 and surely they

couldn't throw it away now?!?! Yates, figuring that he'd done enough,

came off for the ever youthful Colin and Tilburg pushed for the third as

a redundant Joe suggested that the equally redundant Martin & Rob should

have a "mental off" to pass the time...sadly Rob was too busy having a

shouting contest with Bob, whilst Martin was wishing that they'd done

another series of "Life On Mars" rather than "Ashes To Ashes" as life

was so much better in the 1970s.

At the other end there was still time for Stevie P to nod in a cross

from Pat to make it 3-0 and set up arguably the most farcical 15 minutes

of football since the Chuckle Brothers did a footballing skit.

Unrelenting Bee pressure unleashed more wayward shots than the American

military could manage in Iraq and Afghanistan put together as Tilburg

did their best not to add to their tally.

So, 3-0 was the final score and the Bees had got their first victory of

the season to lift them off the bottom, leaving a sum that even the

Stagg could work out...The Bees - Damo - Svenko = 3 points.

Boyce; Wallace, Garfield, Fulwood, Deane (Wyatt); Wainwright, Yates

(Steven), Anthony, Lyon (Crosby); Krmadjian, Palmer

Goals: Krmadjian 30, Wallace 55, Palmer 75

MOTM: Wainwright

Bees vs. Northfield Shamrock Reserves

Saturday 5 January 2007

If only all games could be this easy. The Bees started two thousand and (gr)eight with an inspired victory over the Shamrocks. A mix of tactical nous and sheer managerial audacity coupled with the inability of the opposition to field a team helped the Bees to their best result of the season, O'Boyle claiming a hat-trick.

Bees vs. Hanworth Villa.

Saturday 10 November 2007.

DamoWatch. Tracking the big man for 90mins.

0mins. Churchillian team talk but delivered with all the gusto of Phil Deane in a whorehouse. ‘We must win this so I can run it up Sellers!’.

0mins. Gays up referee.

5mins. Traps ball. Loses ball to 5ft Hanworth pikey chav midfielder.

7mins. Wins header. Vertically.

10mins. Harshly concedes foul (push).

11mins. 0-1 Hanworth. Neat finish by pikey chav. Bottom left with Pixie stranded. O’Boyle rallies the troops.

13mins. Listens to Greg complaints. Retorts with ‘shut up’. Becoming more sweary in old age.

15mins. Two yard pass to Stevie Ryan. Successfully completed.

19mins. Runs forward. Runs back instantly to defend a corner.

19mins. Optimistic shot. Blocked.

21mins. Return pass completed to Greg. Comes to nish.

23mins. Beaten by winger.

23mins. Beaten by winger

24mins. Beaten by winger.

25mins. Best Tilburg chance so far. Liam blazes over from 10 yards. Head in hands.

27mins. Just fails to meet Greg’s flick from a cross.

30mins. Tackle!

31mins. Pass completed to Stevie Ryan.

32mins. Wins header from throw.

32mins. Another header won from throw. Andy cannot latch on.

33mins. Weak, dribbled shot by pikey chav midfielder expertly left by pikey chav striker and unfortunately expertly left by Resto. 0-2.

34mins. Pass to Greg. Too long.

34mins. Backtracking. Defends corner successfully.

36mins. Almost scores….an own goal. A worried ‘Ooops’ clearly audible. Are you watching Scotty S?!

40mins. Wins header but ball loops out of play.

41mins. Wins tackle by toeing ball.

41mins. Defends corner.

44mins. Deep defending.

45mins. Deep defending.

Half time. Rings changes. Andy off, Craig on.

47mins. Wins ball from Hanworth kick-off.

47mins. Plays to Stevie Ryan who feeds Craig who runs the ball 30yards down left wing, beats the Villa right back and passes into area.

47mins. Watches on as GK, who ran same 30yards with Craig, slides in like Gary Lineker (Emile Heskey -ed) to agonizingly put the ball two inches (pitches - ed) wide of right-hand post like Milan Baros (Scott Sellers - ed).

48mins. Holds head in hands. Could / should have been a goal but encouraging second half start.

50mins. Liam beats right back and is hauled down on the edge of the box. O’Boyle too nice to claim yellow card should have been red.

51mins. Orders Mario to take direct free-kick. Over bar. Just.

52mins. Pulls Mario off(!).

53mins. 2cm pass to Stevie. Tilburg in ascendancy.

54mins. Beats central defender in the box and blasts a point blank header….straight at keeper. Furious with himself.

55mins. Wins header but forced into deep defending.

57mins. Runs out of tiger balm.

61mins. Substituted to a hero’s ovation.

65mins. Watches from sidelines as Hanworth extend lead. 0-3.

80mins. GK receives pass, hesitates the shot but rounds last defender who hacks him down. Penalty. Despatched by the Silky Gloved Mong. 1-3.

85mins. Watches late Bees pressure but time runs out.

91mins. Full time. 1-3.

DamOpta Stats :

Minutes on pitch: 61.5

Distance covered : 3.2km

Possession : 6%

Tackles won : 4

Tackles lost : 6

Fouls for : 2

Fouls against : 2

Passes made : 10

Completion rate : 66%

Shots off target : 0

Shots on target : 2

Headers : 24

Match rating (out of ten) : 10

FCTR Reserves : 4-4-1-1. Restarick; Scriven, Thompson, Wyatt, Wallace; Barlow, Ryan, O’Boyle (Kerr), Baumann (Schneider); Crosby (Robinson), Krmadjian.

Star man : JT.

Manager’s pint winner : Resto (uncollected).

Report : GK11.

Park Place 5 - 2 Bees

Saturday 27 October 2007

Football's football, if that weren't the case, it wouldn't be the game

that it is...and that's something we should all have a good, long think

about.

It's a game of two halves and it's a different ball game, which makes

playing on a Saturday afternoon excessively complicated.

The Bees lined up like caged lions, except Stevie, who was more like a

galloping gazelle in a rolling savannah, terrorising the opposition

full-back in a performance reminiscent of a young Stuart Ripley...and

Steve was loitering with intent, playing in a hole between the

lines...Not since the Woolwich Arsenal team of 1914 have a team had so

many Steves in it. The Bees are full of Steves. In fact the team

itself is called Steve on occasions.

At centre forward the irrepressible, irrational Damo, performed like a

latter day Ian Ormondroyd; a tower, a wall, a beacon of hope as the Bees

remained in the game at 3-2...

And then came the rain (metaphorically speaking)...rain lashed

down...the Bees were swimming for their lives... they were like postmen

in Gloucestershire during the July floods ...another goal! 4-2 and the

Bees attack in earnest. Young, swashbuckling cavaliers, surging forward

in incomparable passages of play, crashing against the opposition's

defence like waves against a beach. But no, alas, it was not to

be...they got another.

They do say the two nil lead in football is the most precarious of

leads, well the 5-2 lead is not precarious at all. Still, the Bees won

the post match game of "Player Top Trumps", the Bees beating their

counterparts on 'tallest player', 6 foot 4 to 6 foot 2 - let's call it a

draw...

Report: Johnny W

MOTM: Stephen R

Bedham FC 4 - 3 Bees

Saturday 20 October 2007

The Bees are an enigma - put Arsenal in front of us, and we'd match them for 45 minutes. Put 11 GK's infront of us, and we'd drop down to their level.

Bedham? 'Bad'ham more like (see what I did), and yet somehow the Bees let them go two goals up.

We came back to two all, courtesy of two cracking strikes from Andy and Slider and just when it looked like we were going to win it....we lost it. A late consolation penalty from Stephen R achieved little.

Cue some disappointed faces at the 'Airm**' pub - where even the bar staff are drunks.

MOTM: Stevie P

Bedfont Sports Reserves v Bees

Saturday 6 October 2007

End of runway 4 – Heathrow

A match-day overview from the mind of a non-goalkeeper.

9am ALARM: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Bugger….time to get up already. Arse…….just remembered, got to trek out to Heathrow today. Tits……..just remembered, I’m playing in goal. Fanny…..just remembered, Damo’s playing as lone striker. Guess I should shower and shit before I go……maybe I could combine the two? Maybe not, might block the drain like a Yates turd at lunchtime.

12pm TUBE: PLEASE MIND THE GAP

Ahhhhhh, the Piccadilly line…..only 18 more stops. Just enough time for me to read Heat Magazine. Sweet!

1.15pm TUBE REACHES DESTINATION: ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Ooooh Singapore Airlines. Wonder where they’re going.

OOoooh Hatton Cross. Never been here before. We’re at the end of runway bloody 4. Again. I’ll just hang around here for the rest of the team. Nice spot. Sandwiched between the Great South West road, a bus station and Heathrow. Why would anyone want to live here?

2.10pm: ARRIVE AT PITCH: ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Oooh, British Airways. Wonder where they’re going.

Nice playing surface, should be ideal for some silky footballing skills. Where’s the management team again. Best give them a ring. What? Stuck in traffic? For the second week in a row? Nearly miss the deadline for giving the Ref the team sheet? How hard can it be? Cretins.

3.00pm: KICK OFF: ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Oooh, Virgin, wonder where they’re going.

There’s the whistle. Only 90 minutes left. Ace. Might make it home by 7.30pm if the tubes are ok. Damn….I’ll miss X-Factor. Oh, it’s ok. They repeat it on ITV2 on Sunday afternoon. Phew. Thank the maker. Oooops, their midfielder’s running towards me with the ball, I hope he hasn’t realised how short I am…….shit, he has……he’s hit a high looping shot……jump you midget, jump…..I did it….got my fingers to it…..and tipped it over the bar…..ace….I’m brilliant. That’s got to be one ‘man of the match’ vote in the bag. ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Oooh, British Airways. Wonder where they’re going.

Aidan’s got the ball. Bet he’s got a pink t-shirt on under his kit. The big poof. He’s passed it to Belgian Rob on the right wing. Nice low cross. Oh no…it’s hit Damo’s bloody toe. Hang on. Did that go in? Did it? Yes. WOOHOO….1-0…..in your face. If only it wasn’t Damo. We’ll never he the end of it. ‘Oh, I’ve scored 2 goals in the last 2 games. I’m prolific.’ Twat.

ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Don’t recognise that airline. I wonder where they’re going. I wish I was on an aeroplane. Actually….I wish I was a pilot. That’d be groovy. I’d get to nail stewardesses at 30,000 feet. Cool. Although, I’d probably have to concentrate on flying the plane. Maybe I’d get a good co-pilot and let him have a go. Of the plane….not nailing stewardesses of course.

Ooops, they’re attacking down our left…..he’s a bit tubby for a winger….haha..he’s miss hit the cross….shit it’s going over my head….please miss….please miss…..YAY it’s hit the post and bounced out……shit, straight to Ray Parlours ugly twin……bumholes……1-1.

3.45pm: HALFTIME – INSPIRATIONAL TALK BY DAMO AND SCOTTY.

4.00PM: SECOND HALF

ROOOOOAAARRRRR. British Airways again. I wonder how many planes they have. Maybe it’s the same one going round and round in circles. Weird. Do pilots get dizzy when circling?

Crumbs, they’re attacking again. That’s a better cross from the fatty winger, right at our back post…..oh….Ray Parlour’s there again to head it home. 2-1. Looks like he uses Sol-Glo™ on his barnet.

Oh here they come again. ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Air Canada….I’d like to go to Canada one day. Pay attention non-goalkeeper. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, they’re attacking again. He’s running into the box….DON’T PANIC…..DON’T PANIC…..ooooooh nicely chopped down Jonny…..look innocent…..appeal to the Ref…..puppy dog eyes……shit….penalty. Come on chav-boy. I look menacing. You can’t score. Do a Southgate. MISS. MISS. Wow….i’ve dived the right way. I got my hand to it. Poo….it’s gone in. 3-1.

ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Air Iran……I bet that plane’s empty. Christ, they’re attacking again……it’s never-ending. It’s like the first turd the morning after a night on Guinness. Another cross….bit of a scramble….half volley from the back stick…..it’s in. Not again. 4-1. Rubbish. The boys must’ve misunderstood that team talk at half time. I’m sure Damo and Scotty didn’t say ‘completely switch off and collapse like an epileptic at a rave.’

4.45pm: FINAL WHISTLE

Thank God for that. I’ll be home in about 2 and a half hours. Just in time for Casualty. It’s not all bad.

ROOOOOAAARRRRR. Oh….Virgin again. I hate Richard Branson. Twat.

Team: Pixie, Matt, Jamie, Colin, Jonny, Bell, Andy, Kerr, Sven, Mario, Damo.

Subs: John, Kirk, Will

MOTM: Damo

Report: Pixie

CB Hounslow 5 - 2 Bees

Sat 29 Sept 07

Blatter breaks Tilburg hearts

FIFA President Sepp Blatter has thrown out a mooted rule change to have all competitive football fixtures shortened to 60 minutes following Scott Sellers’ impassioned proposal.

The FC Tilburg manager was quoted as saying, “This would be for the benefit of the beautiful game. I can’t keep going for 90 minutes these days; plus it would give me more time to admire Slider during post-match showers”.

In the truncated form of the game, Tilburg scored a famous 2-1 victory away at CB Hounslow United Social Reserves on Saturday with glorious strikes from Ferguson and O’Boyle. However, FIFA’s short-sighted dismissal of the so-called “our back four’s not as young as it used to be” rule meant that the official result was a 5-2 defeat.

The first half was a tight affair, with CB Hounslow having the best of the early exchanges before taking a 1-0 lead. The Tilburg back four, expertly marshalled by new skipper Jamie Blackshaw, were equal to most of Hounslow’s threat, thanks partly to outstanding individual displays from Colin and Johnny, and partly to Matt’s well-timed crocking of their best player. ’Keeper Aussie Joe kept the away side in contention with some impressive stops, then turned provider with a deliciously-executed through ball to Greg Ferguson, who artfully shrugged aside the last defender and slid the ball home under the stranded opposition goalie. 1-1 after 45 minutes.

An inspirational half-time team talk (“this is much better than getting humped 13-0 lads”) had the desired effect, with Tilburg on top at the start of the second half. On about 50 minutes, Stevie P capped some typically skilful work down the right with a clever cross to man-of-the-match Neil Kerr on the edge of the box. His deceptively slow left-footed trickling shot was too difficult for the ’keeper to handle and predator O’Boyle pounced to convert gracefully from 4 inches, sparking embarrassed celebrations from the men in orange.

Mistakenly lulled into a false sense of victory, the Regents’ concentration slipped. Leading a game for the first time this season, confusion addled tiring brains and two goals in quick succession sapped aching limbs. We eagerly await the outcome of Sellers’ appeal to the FIFA Commission to effect the desired rule-change and to have this result altered retrospectively.

An encouraging performance against an able side, the Bees will take great confidence from some of their flowing football and stalwart defending. That first victory is surely just around the corner.

MAN-OF-THE-MATCH:Neil Kerr

MOMENT-OF-THE-MATCH:Greg’s cunningly disguised shot-cum-clearance that found the sideline for a throw-in

CHAT-OF-THE-MATCH:O’Boyle – “You promised me a goal Stevie; you’re a liar and I don’t trust you”

Match report: Stephen R

Bee's 0 - 13 Hendon A

Oh who really gives a sh*t about the date of this one...

In some cultures the number 13 is considered unlucky...not so for Tilburg Bees who....oh hang on....yes it is....it's unlucky for us too....

The Bees 07-08 'Concentrating on the league'

Match report: Damo

Bee's 0 - 3 Bretham Reserves

Sat 15 Sept 07

Questions abound this season. Can the Bees 'bring home the bacon'? Certainly, a sterling second half performance indicated they could....but they'd already been undone in the first. It was an uneventful game all in, so this report will concentrate on introducing you to the new lads.

Aussie Joe is proving to be an inspiration in goal. Defenders haven't had such confidence in their keeper since the heady days of.......um..............defenders have never had so much confidence in their keeper. We're a bit worried about his visa issue!

Right back Matt - solid throughout and in the true Tilburg tradition got his own goal account off to a great start with a peach that any fox-in-the-box would have been proud of. Has trouble with names 'C'mon Tilbrook' and 'Maceo - mark here'

Pixie - played like a man reborn/recently born. He's broken his ankle and might never walk again but that's not going to stop him from chopping you down.

Marky - in time for the 40 year anniversary of the BBC the hairy cornflake has returned. He was triple top! Could this season see the resurrection of B&H? Here's hoping not!

Deano - the goth lord cometh and geteth a sunburneth. It was worth it though. He hit a peach from 25 yards that the keeper only just tipped over. He may not be welcome at Slimelight with that tan but he's welcome at left back.

Mikey A - worked his jaw and his socks off. To be honest I'm never quite sure what he's saying.

Jamie B - 2007 is the year of the uber-male, but that's not going to interrupt Jamie's pre-game latte. Looking slightly more rugged and going a bit grey!

Damo - I told you I couldn't tackle, what was I doing in midfield?.

Slider - back for another season and just as quick. Sporting a new buzz-cut but not fooling anyone - he's still as soft as sh*te.

Big Greg - not soft as shite. Could sport a dress and would still look tougher than a night sharing a prison cell with Kong

Andy - the new Robin? We'll only find out if one of our away trips take us past a Greggs.

Subs.

Johnny H - Slippery customer - mainly cos he was covered in half a tub of sun cream that made Marilyn Manson look like Aidan Bell.

Mario Baumann - cheered on by his daughter, restricted by his underpants

Match report: Damo

Fans: 2 - Mario's family.