As Match Reports 09/10

SKIES CLEAR, A CHILD CRIES... As 3 Old Suttonians 1 Saturday 21st November 2009, Walch Memorial Playing Fields AS THE sky threatened to open on a blustery day, Tilburg set off into the deep South to play the mighty Old Suttonians in the league. The warm up was short unless you count the vast amount of time it took to walk to the ground; if you did then you could rightly say that the warm up was pretty fcuking longwinded. The game kicked off, and the Tilburg machine flew into gear. Fortunately, this was not the reverse gear as has been seen on so many times over the years; Tilburg instantly grabbed the game by the neck with a force that even Marlon King's wife wouldnt have seen before. This humbled reporter notes that it was about 13:52 when the truly divine struck that day. They say you should never return to a glorious career at a former club. They say it can never be as good. Rewriting the rulebook in a way only a Christian could muster, Adam collected a pass on the edge of the area, drew the trusty right boot back, and hammered a shot underneath the goalie. This cued an assault on the Suttonians goal, and it was no surprise to see Tilburg grab another, although the manner in which is was achieved was quite something. After yet another great run and cut back by Sam, Adam picked up the ball. Looking up, then back down at the ball, then up again, then getting a protractor out of his pocket to calculate the angle of the goal, all things speed ensured the naked eye would not be able to see, the ball was smashed into the corner with the venom of a thousand snakes, unforgivingly ripping a hole in the Suttonians net as it refused to be stopped by anything but advanced sorcery. Or a bush behind the goal. Tilburg were in the ascendancy at this point, although admittedly, not as much as any random selection of Pats shots. Sam and Jamie ran riot up the wing, John the Ecuadorian put fear into the eyes of the Suttonians defence, Russ and Gally dominated the midfield, while an almost telepathic understanding between goalkeeper and defence made a shoal of fish look clumsy as they effortlessly adapted to any pressure delivered. Unfortunately, this was to be their undoing in the end. As expert n0bj0ckey Derek Acorah will tell you, going from a telepathic understanding to uttering the words of mere mortals once more is a difficult transition back from the realms of superhumanity. This can quite possibly be the only reason that a Stew call of "GOALIES BALL" was shortly followed by Martin glancing a well placed header into the corner of the Tilburg net. Despite this setback, Tilburg remained strong, and after a couple of attacks from the Suttonians, they pressed forward again, with each great shot and save pre-empting an even greater response from the Amateur Dramatics club that some have taken to calling Russ. In the end though, he got his just rewards when he slotted home to ensure that the game was beyond the heartbroken Suttonians. The cloud subsided. The sun came through. And yes, I'm pretty sure I saw a young boy crying. FCTR: Todd; Wainwright, Fulwood, Garfield, Sellers; Wilcockson, Donders, Gall, Blackshaw; Cummings, da Suez. Goals: Cummings (2), Donders. CAKE THIEF RETURNS TO EARLSFIELD As 2 OLD WHITGIFTIAN 1 Saturday 14th November 2009, King George's Park LOVERS of fondant fancies and attacking midfielders were today adamant that the long feared cake thief had returned to Earlsfield. This weekend saw the most concrete evidence that the thief had returned to South West London. There had been reports of his return over the last few weeks, but police released this statement from an eye witness. Refusing to give his real name, a man calling himself 'Bridgey' said, "I saw him. I am certain it was him. "I was minding my own business on the left touchline when I found myself in posession of a yellow football and I thought I should put it somewhere near the goal. "With a waft of my left foot, I sent it goalward and was about to turn to my colleagues and recieve the applauds of the Lacrosse players on the field next to me, when out the corner of my eye I saw somone near the goal. "At first I thought nothing of it, but then I saw the ball change direction, and then someone wheel away in obvious delight. "It was clear that this person had nicked off with my goal! Well as soon as I realised what had happened I wanted to go to the police so I could warn other goal scoring midfielders." Prior to this incident, a rabid central defender known only as 'Bob' was found aimlessly wandering around the vicinity of King George's Park pleading with any passer by for 'support', when he was robbed by an Old Whit's striker. This was followed with a sighting of the original thief, who through his own work had grabbed an equalising goal, with a sumptious, pastry covered finish past the 'keeper. The police have also requested members of the public to come forward with any information they might have on a lost football that was last seen leaving the right boot of Sam Wilcockson before taking off and hasn't been since. FCTR: Todd; Wainwright, Fulwood, Garfield, Smalley; Wilcockson, Blackshaw, Gall, Taylor; Zoomerschoe, Weston. Goals: Weston (2). WHO'S THAT? THE KID, EL KID As 1 OLD MEADONIANS 0 Saturday 31st October 2009, King George's Park 12:30PM and with Football Focus finished early it meant that John could get down to the serious business of watching a bit of T4 and One Tree Hill. But this Saturday lunchtime of Californian honeys followed by another Steve Jones interview with Cheryl Cole was to be interupted, not by his Mum as sometimes happens, but by a higher calling. As the Tilburg bandagon went from 11 to 10 an hour before kick off, Martin refused to give up where others would have walked away, persuading John Da Suaz that his Saturday afternoon should be spent chasing aimless humps up the park, rather than dreaming of humping the Girls Aloud barbie doll. So we lined up with eleven. Just. Glenn, Martin's mate, being roped into the cause as well on the left hand side. John up front and Russ comnig back into the midfield after a few weeks off with toe and finger knack. We started off slowly as Old Meads worked our midfield and created chances, but slowly El Kid worked his magic. Turning the Old Meads back four this and that. Giving Sam all the space and time he needed to sclaf his crosses into the near by health centre. But finally one came good. As sustained pressure lead to a succession of cornes and when Sam dropped one that Robin couldn't refuse, driving it full on the volley into the net. After sportingly thumping it at the 'keeper and giving him the chance to save. 1-0 up a few more chances came our way with Robin unable to find the net, Rob was able to find the sideline with a shot described as the worst in Tilburg history. If Tilburg can be the ugly side of football, the second half was our hideously ugly sibling, whom we keep in the cellar. As a 45 minutes full of graft and grit saw us home. The defence and midfield working hard to keep Old Meads out. Russ running on empty and then some. Glenn releaving the pressure with some wonderful cross field passes. And Martin, thankfully having some friends and relatives with nothing better to do on a Saturday. Sorry Cheryl. FCTR: Todd; Thompson, Fulwood, Gall, Smalley; Wilcockson, Donders, Garfield, Dunne; de Suaz, Weston. Scorer: Weston "NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, WE'RE SENDING YOU BACK TO THE FUTURE!" As 0 MAYFIELD ATHLETIC 9 Saturday 3rd October 2009, Firs Road Playing Fields THIS week seven years ago a fledgling Tilburg Regents took to the field in its first ever cup tie. Playing away from home we beat the odds to triumph on penalties. Happy days! However, a closer look back into the Tilburg annals finds that soon after winning our first game, this happened: http://www.geocities.com/tilburgregents/0203/0203matchreports/0203signcraftaway.html Our first 9-0 humping. We revisited those days in every sense almost seven years later. With only 8 players in the changing room we were wonderinf if we would get even 11 players. Then our subbie calls off. Then we get one to turn up at the last minute. Then the wrong midfielder subs himself off! Then the full time whistle brings it to a merciful end. In between we lost 9 goals. 3 in the first ten minutes. 6 in the second half. Some of the goals were even half-decent. Most of them could be categorised somewhere in the 'Pish' library. The one thing. The one thing! That when the ninth went in the opposition demanded 10. As the ref gave us the bad news that there were still 15 minutes to go, Geed on by Kev, Martin and Russ, we dug in. Helped out by Dan who raced across London to give the wheezing midfield some life somehow we managed to see out the last 15 minutes. It was a victory of sorts. Before we headed out the changing rooms looking for a DeLorian to ake us home... FCTR: Todd; Wainwright, Gall, Fulwood, Smalley; Wilcockson, Yates (Luketic), Donders, Zoomerschoe; Taylor, "HOW FIT ARE YOU?" ERM, VERY? As 5 BROMPTON SPORTS CASUALS 1 Saturday 19th September 2009, Wimbledon Common Extentions SINCE the previous Wednesday it had been raining. Raining on Wednesday. Raining on Thursday. Raining on Friday. All with added cool, autumnal breeze. Come Saturday, its sunny. Very. Tempratures up in the mid-twenties. Not a breath of wnd to be had. And Tilburg have 11 men ready for the start of the season and cup action. So? You might say. Well, yes, except as we wait at the station one of our 11 is Michael Yates. A man to whom pre-season training is as welcome as salad is on his Friday night kebab. A man whose spine resembles the San Andreas Fault. A man whose first words to his manager are: 'I don't think I can play 90 minutes'. And this being Tilburg, our 11th man is late and stuck circling the finest stations of the London overground network. The referee is kind. he too seems unhappy at the unseasonal warmth, and as our late commer, Chris, zooms up pitch side (new season, same old lame puns), we are underway. Before hostilities began Robin was asked how fit we were, meeting this challeneg head on, Robin proclaimed, 'very!', To be met with, 'we're not', But Brompton started brightly before the oranje started to come into the game. As we dominated possession the first goal came as Sam skinned his full back and crossed into the box for Jamie to come in sclaff his effort goalwards. As it dribbled across the line we celebrated. Soon we were two to the good. Gally, nicely laid the ball on for the Brompton striker who in turn, generously played it stratight to the 'keeper. One Scottish hoof later and Jamie returned the compliment to Sam, squaring for the second goal. With Martin warned by the ref for his Phil Daniels mockney cries of 'Maaaa-innnn' soundnig like 'mine', Chris made it three on half-time. As young debutant and 'Tilburg Youth Policy' Paul was hacked down the shins on the touchline, Chris planted the following free kick beyond the 'keeper for a stunning third. As Mikey's back receieved attention and was strengthened by some graphite lego, we started the second and were soon four up as Sam took advanateg of a goal keeper defender mix-up that normally has 'Product of Tilburg Regents' stamped on it to slot home. Brompton pulled one back, but as their skipper groaned of the futility of it all, Paul nipped in at the front post to flick home his debut goal and make it five. As we heaved and dragged our weary limbs to the showers, another season was underway. The final question as the sun beat down on us was how long would we take to ruin Paul as a footballer and fit and healthy young person? Not long surely. FCTR: Todd; Wainwright, Gall, Fulwood, Smalley; Zoomerschoe, Wilcockson, Yates, Hikcey, Blackshaw; Weston. Goals: Blackshaw, Wilcockson (2), Zoomerschoe, Hickey. HOW MUCH PRE-SEASON SHOULD YOU GET UNDER A BELT? It's the one question no-one has ever answered. Too much pre-season and like your Father-in-law at Christmas come the New Year you are bloated, tired and not ready for the rigours of winter. Not enough, and you can barely find the energy to get started. Its a conundrum, and as the scientists amongst the Tilburg numbers are few, we have no answer. So, where science was lacking we applied hackneyed old cliches, especially ones that suit a run of pre-season results that would frankly embarrass George Burley into resigning. Surely it is better to get a right shoe-ing in pre-season so you can approach the full season with the bad results out of the system? Well after Battersea Lions gave us a 3-0 defeat we felt good times were round the corner. Losing a goal just before half time, and a couple in the last ten minutes meant we were not outclassed. But that did happen when we pitched up against old foes Warren in our second match and they promptly took us to a corner of the playground and beat us senseless, stole our lunch money and Panini stickers in a 7-2 thimping. Robin and greg providing an attempt at respect which was ignored. Next up against Sloane and two goals in the last minute made us winless in three, but those present saw a remarkable sight as Somhairle Cryuff -turned his way past three defenders to set up Sam who in shock spooned his shot miles over the bar and into Wales. It was more heartbreak against Ulyssees when after going down 1-0 Sorle equalised with minutes to go, but our old foe fitness came back to haunt us and we conceeded on full-time. Our last game was classic farce as four players for the oppo turned up, a glorified As v Bees game finished 10-3 to the As. Nobody was counting that nonsense. So well filled with pre-season we march to the full season! Results: FCTR 0 Battersea Lions 3; FCTR 2 (Weston, Krmadjian) Warren 7; FCTR 0 Sloane 2; FCTR 1 (MacCormick) Ulyssees 2; As 10 (Weston 3, Blackshaw 2, Nicholson 2, Garfield, Thompson, Todd) Bees 3 (Hoare 2, Krmadjian) Players used: Anthony, Beynon, Blackshaw, Crosby, Dixon, Fulwood, Gall, Gajja, Garfield, Gomez, Hernandez, Hoare, Krmadjian, Lee, MacCormick, Nicholson, Palmer, Sellers, Smalley, Thompson, Todd, Ward, Weston, Wilcockson, Wyatt, Yates M, Zoomerschoe

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Next FCTR Fixtures
5th December 2009
AFC Division Two South
As v: Economicals III
KO: 2:00PM
@ KGP

AFC Division Nine South
Bees v: Old St Marys III
KO: 2:00PM
@ Wandsworth Common (tbc)

 

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