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'Terrible defending, amusing attacking and Johnny H' - The story of FC Tilburg Regents, the team UEFA couldn't stop

"Gary, that's terrible defending" said Hansen, "but, with a bit of pace, power and determination there could be a future for them in this game."

And how right he was, well one out of three.

If Alan Hansen was to wander past the House of Commons, bathed in the summer sunshine of 1999, he would have seen the beginnings of what would be FC Tilburg Regents.

A collection of football fans with an unenviable collection of football teams to their name playing the game of the common man in the playground of the Mother of all Parliaments. Cromwell would have loved it, but he may have had a problem with the Man United fans among us.

The simple reason for this football collective was the man known as Jonny H. Kitted out in his Southampton 1983 shirt and Kevin Keegan perm, with the physique of Snowflake and the pace of Mickey Quinn. A man with a kicking technique all of his own that had Matt Le Tissier begging for lessons. In the Lilliput of park footballers, he was Gulliver.

Jonny H spent two summers getting players down the Commons for gentle games of six-a-side with just one rule: Jonny H must score a hat-trick each week.

Over three summers Jonny H was joined by future Regents stalwarts Harvey Vasey, Jamie Blackshaw, Mark Beynon, Stewart Todd, Phil Dean and Sam Thomas. But it was the appearance of the exotically named but excruciatingly talented Greg Krmadjian that completed what would be the heart of Tilburg Regents.

Resplendent in his Manchester United shirt, gay earrings, stupid beard and shaving rash. Mr Krmadjian brought to the Commons a mockney accent and raft of excuses for his finishing that would make even Terry Venables blush.

It had become clear that lobbing Adidas Tangos into the Thames was no longer challenge enough. We needed a bigger stage to show off our impressive lack of talent.

There could only be one venue suitable enough for this burgeoning side and that was London's finest park, Regents Park.

So in September of 2001 we started playing in Regents Park. With the clear bonus of having goal posts we would be challenging the reputation that Jonny H and Krmadjian had built up over three summers at the Commons.

We were not to be disappointed.

No matter how big the goals, how big the barn door, the cows arse and the banjo. Jonny H and Greg could miss the target with consumate ease and professionalism. It was a skill that would stand the Regents in good stead.

The growing squad began to take on all comers in Regents Park. With a space and freedom of pitch previously unafforded to us, many players never known to frequent amusement arcades were suddenly to be found stood by machines with a big pile of 10p pieces.

Regular challenge matches against the Khasaksthan Captain Scarlet look-a-like sides built up fitness and the ability to have a strop. If not indulging in backheels, the teams were to be found throwing out toys from the pram with a better accuracy than could be mustered in front of goal with the ball.

But all was not right. The lads agreed that we had to test ourselves further. There must be football teams out there who are worse than us? But before we could think about taking on organised clubs we would need a name and a kit.

It is little known, but Aldgate has a central role to play in footballing fashion. It has provided inspiration for football shirts across the world.

When in London on holiday, Dutch legend Johan Cryuff was caught in a fight in an Aldgate public house due to making a move on the Landlord's missus. As he looked down the front of his white shirt with blood all down the front he thought it would make a good football shirt and the legendary Ajax White with Red Strip shirt was born.

With this is in mind Jonny H set off to Aldgate looking to find the shirt that would help define us.

As he waded through white shirts, blue shirts, red and white striped shirts, Jonny eager eye spotted a beautiful shirt that was being spurned by others.

To the naked eye it was a horrific purple and green striped accident. To Jonny, a glowing emerald and aubergine striped shirt. As unique and wonderful as it was honking and awful. And with, cannily, 13 available, this was the only choice.

As was discovered we had chanced upon the Willem II Champions League shirt from a few seasons back.

With a strip you need a name. All of Greg's suggestions were naturally discounted as no one wanted our team to be known as the David Beckham All-Stars.

Many evenings in the pub were spent contemplating how we should be known the world over, when from out of nowhere Harvey Vasey proffered his most incisive contribution to the cause. Fittingly, it was nowhere near an actual football pitch.

With our adopted colours of Tilburg's Willem II it was clear we would have to adopt Tilburg along with our home ground of Regent's Park. Tilburg Regents. European, cultured, sophisticated. It encapsulated everything about the club, except perhaps our footballing ability.

With name and kit, FC Tilburg Regents set about securing games. We arranged a match with the Old Suttonians in Cheam. A trek across London, something that would become all too familiar to the Regents and in a wind swept match in Januray, FCTR were defeated 2-1. Ben "Two Curries" Wilson claiming the inaugural Regents' goal.

The team that lead the way was:

Duncan Pearce; Lloyd Burdett (John Heffernan 45), Kirk Trotman, Jamie Blackshaw, Phil Deane; Stewart Todd, Harvey Vasey, Scott Sellers, Sam Thomas, Ben Wilson, Greg Krmadjian.

Six months later to the sound of trumpets - the Regents were confirmed in Division 3 of the Middlesex Football league giving it the full gun.

Three years on FCTR were indeed showing park footballers the world over our very unique brand of football. FC Tilburg Regents - The team UEFA couldn't stop. And who would want to?